“Danseketball” Takes Household by Storm

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a coat hanger, nerf ball and some music, however, make danseketball.

STEP ONE: Get a wire hangar. Don’t have one? Buy one from your local dry cleaners. With purchase you get a free shirt cleaning.

Let’s hang.

STEP TWO: Get tape. The clear, wide, wicked sticky variety works best.

That’s how I roll.

STEP THREE: Bend the hangar into reasonable facsimile of a hoop. Let the sports-like activities begin!

Insert sphere of fun here, please

The rules are simple: players take turns dancing and shooting. Non-shooters, including coaches and refs, may dance at any time. All varieties of music are permitted (though the atonal compositions of Arnold Schoenberg might be kind of a buzzkill).

A Bloody Good Time

Few things compare in intensity to a bloody boo-boo. Something about the sight of gooey, dark red stuff ozzing from a scrape or cut that makes some of us instantly break out in piercing shrieks.

During the dull winter months when outside time is scarce, and playground injuries less frequent, you can, however, easily conjure up the melodrama of an apparently mortal wound with this simple diversion.

Peek-a-boo-boo

STEP ONE: Get some Post-It notes. Any color works (though the cheery pastels can diminish the gory power of a fake wound).

Better red than dead

STEP TWO: Get a red pen or marker. Crimson, ruby and scarlet hues also work well.

Total dotness

STEP THREE: Draw a circle of red on your Post-It. This can be embellished with rings of black or dark brown, suggesting crusty old dried hemoglobin. Ew. Yay.

Tummy ache

STEP FOUR: Attach Post-It to skin. Now proceed with the theatrics. Cry, moan, wail, whimper, weep, keen and generally act like that booboo is majorly harshing your serenity.

A shoulder to bleed on

Wearable Cereal Available From Gothi-Os

Rockin' the crunchiest ring on the block

Cheaposuperstuff Labs came upon this gem of self-expression quite serendipitously. One of our technicians was happily munching a bowl of Oatios, when one caught on her lip, resembling an unattractive and painful body adornment. So next time you’re enjoying your fave O-shaped cereal, break off a little piece, and stick it on your lip, eyebrow, nose or ear.  Wear with pride until soggy, then eat.

U Can’t Touch This… Until You Wash Your Hands

Want to bring the 80’s right into your livingroom? Us neither. But you still might want to dress up and dance to the music of your fave, bigpants flameout from that decade, MC Hammer.

Hampertime!

STEP ONE: Find some long sleeve jammies, and put legs through the armholes and head through waist opening.  There it is: A DIY version of those droopy-crotch genie pants that make your wiggly legs look even wigglier. Feel the surge of untamed rhythm ready to burst free at the slightest musical provocation.

Feelin’ hype in the stripe

 

 

 

 

STEP TWO: Put on music. Now elevate your appendages aloft and agitate them as if you have no concerns. Grimace for additional artistic impact.

Putting the ham in Hammer

STEP THREE:  Step left, and double punch, shoulder roll to a swing walk. Now do a triple tiger hand reverse, transitioning to double-mantis cabbage patch. In other words, freestyle.

Break it down… then please put all the pieces away.

 

STEP FOUR: Step right, turning in. Strike a player pose and FREEZE. Brrrr.

Turn those leggings into headings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

STEP FIVE:  Turn back to center, grab the legs hanging down and do something flippy and insouciant with them.

Aannnnd…scene.

 

 

 

 

 

 

STEP SIX: Collapse to the floor as if in deep emotional distress. Hold for applause.

Fifty thousand Infinity style points

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

STEP SEVEN: Repeat with partner. Rehearse and blow away all competition in national contests by racking up ridiculously  high scores solely on style points.

My First Real Estate: Starter Home Edition

Ready to entertain the kiddies with some playtime real estate? Then simply break out your AmEx Black and order up a couple of bouncy castles. Have them delivered and inflated on the considerable acreage behind your McMansion and let the children go wild. You don’t have an Am Ex Black, considerable acreage or a McMansion? No probby.  A stanky old sofa and some blankets’ll suffice.

STEP ONE: Remove sofa cushions to reveal a wealth of coins, beads and tiny plastic animals. You’ll also find a bounty of goldfish cracker, cookie and pretzel fragments. Tempting though it may be, please do not eat.

A flurry of blurry activity

STEP TWO: Arrange the cushions to form walls. A three-person sofa can accommodate a splendid two-unit dwelling suitable for recent grads and smallish mammals.

Granite countertops and Sub Zero fridge are optional

STEP THREE: Furnish units with pillows and quilts. Roofing can consist of blankets or sheets. Adjust skylights to afford each unit maximum western exposure in the breakfast nook.

"Come in! I'm just about to make a cup of General Foods International Coffee."

STEP FOUR: Inhabit. Invite your favorite creatures to a housewarming party and hint at your need for additional cookware and a nice credenza under the sconce in the foyer.

Scented candles can neutralize both catbox and bunny odors

Fincredible Footwear Flippers Can Be Yours, Now!

CheapoSuperStuff would like to issue a formal apology for our woefully scant coverage of footwear. We’re sorry, feet.  We’ll pay more attention to you starting right now, by introducing what we call “Finnies.” At first glance, Finnies ™ appear to be nothing more than knitted gloves pulled over bare feet.  But wearers of Finnies ™ have found a nearly infinite number of nearly findescribable uses.  Check out this customer testimonial:

Try a pair now. Here’s how.

STEP ONE: Find two bare feet and a pair of gloves.  The best kind to use are the small, knit variety (the gloves, not the feet).

Finnies (tm) work with any color of feet. Even these.

STEP TWO: Slip the gloves over the bare feet, allowing the fabric digits to flap freely when you jump and run and frolic in a variety of adventure-packed environments.

"To finfinity and beyond!"

UPDATE: Since publication, CheapoSuperStuff’s readership (er, lookership, since they don’t yet know how to read) has shared these fintastic applications for Finnies ™ —

“They’re good for snow.”

“Knights wear them.”

Eye, Eye, Captain

People often ask us here at CheapoSuperStuff  what to do when a beloved stuffed critter suffers an eye injury during a sword fight atop the rigging of a rogue, high-seas vessel. Okay, nobody ever asked that. But they really should, because we have this answer at the ready….

STEP ONE: Cut paper into shape of eyepatch. You can use regular old white, or colored paper– sorry, “paper of color”– for this part.

Arrrrrrtist at work

STEP TWO: Decorate paper with crayons, pastels, markers, pencils, charcoal, paint and glitter. Or use nothing. Just raw, naked paper. Ooh la la.

Stick out tongue for extra precision

STEP THREE: Use scotch tape and place over eye(s) of your injured animal. Johnny Depp, Johnny Schmepp, these animal pirates are way more crusty and salty and pirate-like. They’re so salty, in fact, if you ate one, you’d get high blood pressure.

Surgery successful

Eye love you.

TIP: If you’re prepared to waste perfectly good Barbie and Scooby Doo Band-Aids, use those and skip steps one, two and three.

Note that those free, return address labels included in mailings from non-profits pleading for donations make good paw bandages.

Cat Patch Fever

“Call Me ‘DiaperHed'”

Okay, so disposable diapers aren’t cheapo. But they’re cheapo-er than real hats. And once you’re done wearing the DiaperHed ™, it can be used for catching pee pee and poop. Trying doing that with a regular chapeau, bro.

The second she slipped it on, one test subject (yes, all CheapoSuperStuff is rigorously focus tested) ran through CheapoSuperStudios shouting, “I’m a soccer agent!” What did she mean? We have no idea, but it’s clear that DiaperHed ™ is more than just a hat, it’s an inspiration delivery system.

What follows is a roundup of styles available using pull-up-type diapers.

LE CORDON BLEU

This cute number pays playful homage to the traditional chef’s lid.

"Soup's on!"

SHEEP EARS

Put the leg holes on either side at the back of your dome and let the hair stick through. Like ears. Sheep ears, even.

Rah, Rah, Rah! Sis Boom Baaaaaa!

THE CHARLESTON

Not unlike those foldy, head-hugging caps that fashionable ladies wore back in the 20’s. Scrawny legs, bobbed hair and dress with dangly stuff hanging off it sold separately.

Fledgling flapper in natural habitat

THE MILK NINJA

Owing in equal parts to the ninjitsu’s cowl and a colonial milkmaid’s bonnet, this effect is achieved putting the head through the body hole and poking the face out a leg opening.

Puttin' the "sass" in assassin

Plastique C’est Chic

Recycle, reschmycle. Why would you want to when you can turn that wad of plastic bags* stuffed under the kitchen sink into lovely, crumply couture? Here’s one small step toward a free, water repellent wardrobe.

STEP ONE: Get a large book. Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories (Party Edition) is recommended. If you don’t have a copy, I’m very, very sorry to hear that.

So Suess me

STEP 2:  Wrap your book in a white plastic bag. Twist it in back so that the front is tight and flat. Now assure your book that you don’t intend to throw it in the trash the way you do with the dog’s poop you also scoop into plastic bags.

"That's not my bag, baby!"

STEP 3: Flip the book over onto a table so that the flat side is up. Now decorate with markers. Sharpies are best as they dry fast, (but beware as you can end up with hands, faces and clothing heavily illustrated in indelible ink). Also, you can place images– of your favorite pop stars or Tolstoy characters, for instance– inside and flat against the book and trace them onto the bag.

STEP 4: Snip the bottom off the bag and pull it on using the handles as shoulder straps. You’re now ready to be so fashion backward that you’re fashion forward. Refine your creation and use it in your audition tape for the upcoming Bravo series, Project PreSchool.

Strike a pose

* Don’t leave plastic bags around where small children can play with them. Supervise this stuff always, please. Thanks. Now back to our regularly scheduled silliness.

Something in the Way She Moos

Mini Moo’s are wonderful. Sure, there are other brands of single-serving half and half, and they’re all good sources of calcium and tetra sodium pyrophosphate. But none is as satisfyingly named as the Mini Moo.  Say it with me: Mini Moo, Mini Moo, Mini Moo. Feels good, right? Next time you’re at the convenience store coffee station or office break room, stuff some in your pockets and bring them home and make some cheapo stuff with them.

I like to mooove it, mooove it

STEP ONE: Open up and drink (preferably in coffee) at least four Mini Moo’s.  Rinse out and stack so the foil lids stick out. Add a wire for a stem, even. Create a whole “moooquet” of these and give them to your favorite milkman on Dairy Delivery Person Appreciation Day.

The wreckage from a late night of java

BONUS ONE: With only two ‘Moo’s, you can create the silhouette of a famous mouse whose name rhymes with “icky.”  He doesn’t care that we’re using his vague likeness here, but we like to make fun of him because he’s highly litigious.

"M-I-C...see ya in court!"

BONUS TWO: Remoooove the foil flappy lids and use as the world daintiest doggone tea cups.

Fully extend pinky for max froofroo-ness